WARNING: Those of you under the insane impression that I'm some sort of perfect mother should stop reading now. Actually, you should have stopped reading before you began, but that's beside the point :D

This morning, before nine AM, I had yelled at all three boys. I yelled at Artist for being his usual trying self. I yelled at Superhero for spilling a bowl of cereal literally WHILE I was telling him to be careful with it. And I yelled at Fighter for eating a box of cereal. The actual box.

It was the last one that got me. My little Fighter looked at me with shock and betrayal in his beautiful green eyes, and I nearly broke down. Would have, actually, had I not had the presence of mind to know that seeing me cry would have had HIM out of sorts for the rest of the day.

So this afternoon, less than 24 hours after I finally took one of my dear friends up on her repeated offers for babysitting, I stayed home while my husband took the boys to therapy. While they were gone, I made a half dozen phone calls related to the move and the logistics of the boys' treatment. I also made some headway on one of our many random storage spaces (my designation for spaces in the house, including two unused bedrooms, a corner of the dining room, an alcove, and a hall closet, where clutter has accumulated over the past three years), packing up bags and bags of items for charity. I read a few chapters of a novel that I've been wanting to read, and I did some online shopping for lighting fixtures. But mostly, I sat here chastising myself for yelling at the boys this morning.

It's truly not that I think I'm Supermom. In fact, I joke every year that I lose my 'Mom of the Year' award sometime before noon on New Year's Day. But I SHOULD be Supermom. After all, I'm raising superheroes--do they deserve any less than a mom as awesome as they are? No, they don't. They deserve a mom who can handle all they can dish out, who can not only respond to but anticipate their needs, who can be sassed, clean up messes, and explain "Why?" for the five hundred millionth time in a day with a calm voice, a gentle hand, and a smile on her face. That is what they DESERVE.

But what they HAVE is me. A woman who most days can't even figure out when she stopped being a 'girl'. A woman so overwhelmed that even her to-do list makes her want to cry. A screamer whose preferred method of expressing herself is loudly and emphatically. And a person so completely ill-equipped to raise these wonderful little boys that some days she yells at all three of them before breakfast is done.

Luckily, what they also have is a mother who loves them fiercely. FIERCELY, like a lion protecting her cubs. A mother who will go without sleep to make sure they're safe, who will go without food until she's sure they're fed, who will go without anything and everything until their needs are met. A mother who consistently puts her needs after their needs, and often puts her needs after their desires. A mother who recognizes that she doesn't have what it takes to fulfill their needs, and who searches far and wide for people who can help. A mother who plays silly games until her head aches, who makes peanut butter sandwiches until the very smell of peanut butter makes her gag, and who sings lullabies until she's hoarse.

What the X Men are cursed with is a woman who yells at them before breakfast is done.

What they are blessed with is a mother who will move heaven and earth for them.

I pray that, decades from now, they believe the one was a fair trade for the other.


It's been a busy few months. My husband and I have had several discussions over the past few months about the world we live in and how difficult that world is for our sons. While our ultimate goal is to help our boys learn how to navigate the world as it is, we want to provide them a safe place to learn to do so. We decided that our best bet is to buy a home that we can modify as needed. And so, we did--barring any unforeseen discoveries by the home inspector, we'll close in the next few weeks.

Which is good, since our lease is up August 15 :D.

We decided we did not want to risk a large debt, since we can not be certain from year to year what treatments our children will need or how much of those treatments will be covered by insurance, so we spent most of our savings on a foreclosure. The rest of our savings will be spent on moving expenses and doing what repairs and modifications we can afford. At this point, I'm just hoping we can cover the major repairs and the necessary modifications, included the excavation and fencing of the back yard--a necessity for our boys, especially Fighter, who is a runner ('eloper' is another common descriptor--generally just means that he runs off with no consideration for safety).

So, in the next four weeks, we will close on our house, embark on some major repairs and improvements, do a lot of minor home improvements, pack up this 2000+ square foot rental, and move. In addition, the boys will start school (Superhero will be at a new school for 1st grade, while Artist and Fighter will return to the preschool they attended last year, as our new home is actually closer to their school than our current home). The boys will continue therapy in the meantime, and the adults of the house will be finishing up college courses we enrolled in this summer (clearly didn't think that one through, right?).

So I probably won't be posting a lot. Sorry about that, but I hope to catch up with detailed reports on the modifications we did to our new home to make the boys' lives (and ours) easier in early September.