Sweet Dreams

The favorite lullaby in our house lately is called "I see the moon"--a lullaby I fell in love with in Divine Secrets of the YaYa Sisterhood (sadly, can't remember if it was the books or the movie). I only knew the first verse for the longest time, but I recently learned the next three. My Artist starts screaming "NO NO" every time I start singing it during the day--for him, it signifies bed time :D

For those who don't know it, here are the lyrics:

I see the moon and the moon sees me
And the moon sees the one that I want to see
God bless the moon, and God bless me
And God bless the one that I want to see

It seems to me that God above
Created you for me to love
He picked you out from all the rest
Because he knew I'd love you the best

I once had a heart as good as new
But now it's gone from me to you
Take care of it as I have done
For you have two and I have none

If I get to heaven and you're not there
I'll carve your name on a golden stair
A-way up high for all to see
Just how much you mean to me.

My favorite verse, I think, is the second. "It seems to me that God above created you for me to love . .. " My little ones are so amazingly unique that I am quite certain they are each one of a kind, and they are mine, given to me to love for the rest of my life. I am so tired lately, stressed, and scared. Terrified, really, that I do not have what it takes to give these boys what they need. And on some level, I'm still frightened that someone will figure out that I simply don't deserve these amazing little humans, and take them away from me.

I'm kind of tired of hearing people say "I just don't know how you do it." Do what? Love these boys? Take a minute and get to know them, and I promise they'll steal your heart, too. And when you are this completely, totally in love, what choice do you have but to mortgage your soul for a smile? Love, I am coming to realize, does not make the mountains go away--sometimes, it even makes them higher. It doesn't make you confident you can climb it--in fact, you'll be even more terrified that you won't make it to the top, because love makes the consequences of failure seem much more dire. No, love doesn't make anything easier. But amongst the things that get harder when you love is giving up. I may never make it to the top of the mountain, but I will continue to climb, to fight for these boys, until there is no longer breath in my body. Climbing the mountain seems impossible, but giving up IS impossible.

Sweet dreams everyone.

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